


Frustrations

by sagaluthien



Series: Sheila [4]
Category: Original Work
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-02
Updated: 2012-03-02
Packaged: 2017-11-01 00:24:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/349954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sagaluthien/pseuds/sagaluthien
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There seems to be a lot that makes Robert Carter on his edge.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Frustrations

I had a choice. I had to find the source of my feelings or persuade myself that I would never meet the sheila again. Yeah, a part of my thoughts were with that beautiful sheila I had seen at a restaurant a month ago. I’d been searching for her every spare moment I’d had, with no luck.

I was acting like a wreck again, even if it was in a whole different way this time. I found it very difficult concentrating on what I was doing. I easily mixed up my lines or forgot them. It was like my thoughts were somewhere else. Damn it, I was famous for my ability to focus once. But that was before I started to abuse myself. Losing Evelyne had made me to lose my footing altogether for a while. 

The day Evelyne was taken from me lowered me totally. Losing her was losing my life too. I fled into the fog and wanted to join her. 

If it hadn’t been for my best friend I’d probably be dead by now. He managed to bring me back to the real world. His determination to save me contained me, forced me to live again. I’ve made progress and I know that I still have a long way left to go. 

When I was finally found, he forced me to take help I had to revaluate many of my beliefs. The doctors and therapist forced me to look at what happened and I’d to take help. 

Now I’m just happy that I still have friends and family left. I’m glad that other people actually want to have anything to do with me: that there are people who believe in me and are confident that I will succeed. 

It is astonishing what people can believe in, and if you use it in the right way it can give so much. You can catch the strains of them and can see them in the darkest places. They can show you that you really possess the will to live. That’s what they’ve shown me. I actually do, even if so much of life is dark, hard and full of frustrations. 

Among the things that I’ve found the hardest to let go is the love I shared with Evelyne and the thought that I will never be able to find anything like that again. It was there my feelings were in agitated. I both wanted to keep them for Evelyne and be able to let her go so I could move on.

I hadn’t thought that I would get any special feelings for a sheila again, not so strong – or so soon. Now I’d met one and I couldn’t get her out of my mind. It had turned into an obsession for me - to find her. I wanted to be free from my ghosts and the chains that were holding me. I thought the sheila might be able to help me. Help me to get further.

Because of me we ran over the lunch by at least half an hour. I was pissed with myself for spoiling so many of the shots. My weekly appointment with my consular was this afternoon and I was late for it, which didn’t improve my mood. 

Usually I went to a restaurant to eat before I went there, but today I had to take a light meal from the catering trucks at the location. It also meant that I wouldn’t have any chance to look for the sheila. What could I do?

The traffic seemed to be worst than ever and the cars were moving too slow for me. When we were three blocks away and standing still again I decided I’d be quicker. My driver tried to warn me it wasn’t safe for me to be walking in the street.

“For fuck’s sake, we don’t get anywhere at this pace and if there still is an assassin after me, let him take me! We are close enough, so how could anything happen?”

I jumped out of the car and started walking. I hated to be late, and a quick look at my watch told me I had to hurry up, which made me speed up my steps. Then I actually ran someone down. I had been blind to the people around me and I hadn’t looked were I was walking. I felt so clumsy!

I helped the person up and apologized myself for I had rushed into the person. Then I saw who it was and I just stared at her, my jaw dropping. The person I’d literally run down was the sheila I’d been looking for. 

She started giggling and was blushing. She seemed to laugh easily and she looked so petite when she did it. She accepted my apology and said that most people seemed to be blind, followed by more giggling from her.

I had to laugh at that comment. She had a sense of humour and could joke about her situation. Her strawberry mouth was so gorgeous and again I couldn’t help but stare at her again. Her face lit up a little when she heard my voice and I thought she recognized it. It warmed my heart.

She was holding her hand on my arm a little longer than I assumed a person would do to a stranger. I hoped that she was remembering me from the restaurant. I wished that I’d made some impression on her too, like she had made on me.

I was about to ask her about her name and if I would have any chance to ask her out. Then of course my cell phone rang and I couldn’t ignore it. She withdrew her hand and left me. I cursed the person for the bad timing.

“You really want to ruin my day, John. You should know that I’m busy this time in the week. I’ll call you later.”

Again the sheila had managed to disappear from me without me getting to know her name. Was this how it was going to be? Would it be a common thing for me to stand on streets with these hot feelings pulsing through my body? I hoped it wouldn’t take another month before I saw her again.

I was far too late for my appointment so I couldn’t try to follow her. But now I had hopes that she lived in this area. This wasn’t far from where the restaurant lay. So I may be lucky to meet her again. When that happened nothing would stop me from asking her out. The frustration was building up in me.

My meeting went well and it felt that I was still making some progress. To talk about what happened and my feelings was good. Even that I had things to do and feel that I had support from others people than my family around me, helped me. 

I brought up my nightmare, that it had changed. That it felt like something in the dream was trying to give me some new feelings. The dream seemed to move me in another direction and it started one month ago.

My therapist thought that the changing of my nightmare showed that I was on the right track to continue with my life. If we continued to make progress, in the same way she said it wouldn’t take long before we might be able to only meet twice in a month.

I didn’t tell her what I really thought; that Evelyne was there, and she was trying to push me forward. That she still was fighting with me to get control over my addiction. Some days I still had a very strong urge to numb myself, to get in a condition where everything turned pink.

Those days it was hard not to fall back on what I once thought eased my pain. On those days especially, the nightmare was really strong, and my loss was heavy on my mind. Often then it felt like Evelyne was with me and said that would only get worse if I got into the slough. That so many people would get hurt.

My feelings were so frustrating and I think that got me to search to find any solution for them. The frustrations were like a snake which had crawled up and sunk its fangs into me, and let the poison be spread through my body. I wanted to get back to the way I had been before my addiction started. I wanted to love a woman without feeling any fear that I wouldn’t match up to her expectations. Feeling that I wasn’t good enough. Accepted for all my sides, good and bad. 

I believed that I’d come to the right crossing where I could choose the right way and find that I was loved and needed. That most of what I saw as hopeless could be bearable and to ease my frustration.

Later that evening it hit me that one way to reach her could be through the radio. I wondered why I hadn’t thought about it earlier. With my contacts I would easily get a message to her in the radio. Why not use them in the search for the sheila. If she couldn’t see she couldn’t read papers in an ordinary way, but she could hear and the chances were high she listened to the radio. And if she did, then maybe I could find her that way. I had to write something good to her and choose a song that told her my feelings for her.

I let the night sleep come and wished for one without my nightmare.

**Author's Note:**

> Next story is Love In First Sight


End file.
